madaz75

07:39 pm: Why Men Are Happier
WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE (Well, what you expect from such simple creatures!?)
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day trip requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on 12/24, in 45 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

THEN WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL SO MISERABLE!!!!!!!!!

06:20 pm: SPAM SPAM SPAM
A Tale of SPAM.
Scene: Morning "breakfast" in some inner city Cafe.
The Players:
Man and his Wife sitting at a table in the Cafe,
an Over worked underpaied Waitress with a cigarette half hanging out of her mouth,
and a Half dozen Viking warriors sitting at another table in the Cafe

Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: (Singing elaborately...) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

05:45 pm: News Of The WEIRD!!
Penis Too Big, A Big Turn-Off For Girls

TAIPEI - What's in a name? In the case of a Taiwanese man, it scared off his dates, all 50 of them. The women were presumably turned off or embarrassed when they were introduced by matchmakers to Mr Lan Shang-ta, 38, who works in the Tainan county government's engineering department.

His name sounds like lan seung tua - which literally means 'penis too big' - in Hokkien, the most widely-spoken language in Taiwan. His burly build does not help either, Mr Lan told Taiwanese newspaper United Daily News. 'The girls were probably scared off by the strong suggestion of sex in my name as well as my body weight of more than 120kg!' he exclaimed, beaming. His grandfather, who gave him the name, had apologised upon learning that it was the cause of his bachelorhood, he said.

But the senior Mr Lan, who died four years ago, had meant well. As the Chinese character for the family name Lan needs 17 strokes to write, the grand patriarch chose the two Chinese characters for Shang-ta in his name which need only three strokes each. Mr Lan has been the butt of many jokes, but he will not change his name. The cheerful man told his family that he liked it since people would always remember him.

Even a traffic cop let him off once because he was so tickled by the name. Two years ago, Mr Lan married a Vietnamese bride. He said: 'Perhaps it's because she's Vietnamese and does not understand Hokkien, that's why she's not afraid to marry me!'

11:36 pm: Is A PC Male or Female?
An English Teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given only feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as ”she”.
One of the students raised her hand and asked:
”What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain what it was, so he divided the class into two groups
- males in one, females in the other - and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because: -
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time THEY are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:-
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

12:05 am: Masculine or Feminine
Ever wonder the 'Sex' of certian IN-ANIMATE objects?

Here's a few to grow on:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TYRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

08:32 pm: Ha! Ha! Very PUNNY!
Apologies to all my fans for not posting sooner..

But i was arrested recently..

True Shit!!


I was Arrested fron inside the local libaray.. For SPEED READING!
Yep.. Honest!
110 words per minuite in a 72 word zone.. Apparently

I had the "Book thrown at me" before "Recieving a long sentance".

09:43 pm: Pet Peeves of Dogs
THE PET PEEVES OF DOGS
Just in case you were sitting around this weekend wondering what it is
that really ticks dogs off.

1 . When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good Leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a
little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your Shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far
behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a
proud moment for the top of the food chain, you turd.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

08:04 pm: Stressed
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a
busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow,
just in front of him.

He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating
woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she misses her chance to get through
the intersection with him.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her
window and looks up into the face of a very serious
police officer. The officer orders her to exit her
car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the
cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting
with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing
a blue streak at him.
I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder,
the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker,
the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker,
and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
Adding..
"With that display of behaviour, I figured the car was Stolen."

11:59 pm: A Study Of Women
A study of female behaviour.. By Madaz

I'm an average guy, I've spent my life thinking about 3 main things.
AGE OBSESSION
1 to 10 Candy
11 to 13 Ninjas
14 and up Women

After more than a decade of observing women and their behaviour, I believe I'm some thing of an expert on the subject, and I have reached the following significant conclusions:
Women, They smell nice and they're soft.

Beyond that I'm stumped.. No amount of Dating and Mateing has led me any closer to the reasons why women live entire days based on their horoscopes, bake cookies and try to make their friends eat them so they'll get fat, and so on.
I've decided it's time for some real research. In an effort to understand women better-and, I hope, learn how to more effectivaly bend them to my will-I will mimic a few of their more inexplicable everyday behaviours.





Bizarre Female Behaviour #1
Talking to their hairdressers about their sex lives.

I hate to think what my girlfriend's hairdresser knows about my shortcommings and fetishes. I can envision him snapping his fingers and swinging his head in a circle, all the while exclaiming. "Girl, Do tell"

I wish I had a Fab Hairdresser to confide in, but all I've got is Mike, the chubby son of Italian immigrants. He wears alot of gold and speaks with an Italian accent, as in "Fuhgeddaboutit". He is definatly NOT "All That"

With Tape recorder strapped to me, I get in the chair. I'm nervous because I don't know how Mike will react. ALSO, He's holding a big-ass pair of SISSORS next to my head. He starts snipping.
I start with "My girl friend doesn't satisfy me any more"
Mike "Wha?"
"My Girl friend..she doesn't 'light my fires' as good as she used to"
"Oh" The sissors stop snipping."OH" Mike adds.
"There is no Spark, no Energy. I need romance"
Mike to his credit hangs in there. "Well maybe you guys should talk"
"What? Tell her my problem?"
"Yeah, you know, tell her."
"If she loved me she would know"
"Nah, ya gotta comunicate."
"Maybe your right."

What I learn..
A: Mike cuts hair faster if you freak him out.
B: Fast hair cuts arn't allways the best hair cuts.

So much for day 1's study






Bizarre Female behaviour#2
Acting overly Body conscious

My girl calls my new hair cut 'Messy chic'. I call it a F#*!ed up hair cut. If she weren't happy with her hair she'd obsess about it-and every other percieved short comming she had for days. I give it a try. She perches on my lap and kisses me.
Her* "What's wrong?"
Me* "Nothing"
"Come on..."She tickles me
"Stop" I whine."Don't play with my fat"
"Well why don't you go on a diet then?"
"Don't try to solve my problems!" I blurt. "Some times I just need you to listen!"

What I learn:
Reciting 'Womanisims' to your girl friend is a sure fire way to make her really, really, really, angery





Bizarre Female behaviour.
With holding Sex.

I can't count the times I've come home on a done deal only to have it come undone when we got back to my place. I decide that I'll be the one to get her all Hot and Bothered and leaver her hanging..HA HA!

What I learn:
Some things a Man can not do.

Sigh..day 4





Bizarre Female Bahaviour #4
Ridiculing their friends clothes behind their back

Is there some special satisfaction that comes from tearing down your friends wardrobes? I give it a try at my Saturday Street Ball game.. Forcing my self into a split as far as I can go, I whisper to Lucas..
"Look at Davids shoes"
"What?"
"His shoes..they totally clash with his shorts"
"Are you serious?"
"Totally." Rolling my eyes,I add "And he doesn't have the body for that shirt"
Lucas suddenly decides to go and run some laps of the block.

What I learn:
It's easier to score against the opposing team in Street Ball when they're a team mate down. Because Lucas thinks your gay.

Damn..Day 5





Bizarre Female behaviour #5
Wearing rediculously tiny back packs to clubs

My girl friend has a tiny back pack. It's that green colour they invented a few years ago, and it's furry, and could carry maybe ONE Tangeriene. I try it on and am tempted to kick my own ass.
Maybe it's so tiny nobody will notice it, I try to reassure my self.
Immediatly upon enetering the club, it's seen by some White-Base-Ball-Cap Frat guys.
"Nice Purse" says the leader, inciting general mirth.
"It's a Back Pack" I snap and hurry to the bar. Three girls intrugued by my back pack, sit down to talk. Hmm....
"What's in it?" one asks
"My Keys, Immense-Penis Reducing cream" she turns away, but the back pack lures her friend in.
"Do people bother you?" the friend asks.
"Some times.Those guys did" I indicate the White-hat Frat guys.
"URGH!" Blue Shirt Khaki guys. At least your different."
The Girls and I do a couple of shots, and then we all go to the bath room togeather.

What I learn:
A* My Immense-Penis reducing Cream line SUCKS!!
B* Chicks call White-Hat Frat guys, Blue Shirt Khaki Guys

Day 6 should be better I'm sure.






Bizarre Female behaviour #6
"Does my ass look fat?"

Really, it's the same ass you had on yesterday honey! Does chanting this mantra have some sort of stress relieving effect?

I invite my Street Ball buddies over to watch the Basket Ball game on Tv. Knowing they'll miss any subtle enlargement, I tape around 50 tissues to each cheek and steel my self for their mockery..The doorbell rings.................

I pass out beers and some cookies I made earlier. During a comercial break, I get up and stand in front of the Tv. The concensus is that I should get the hell out of the road, untill.....
"Guy's ..Does my ass look fat?"
The Hail storm of Chips abruptly stops.
"Get out of here..What?"
"Do these jeans make my ass look fat" I say.. thrusting my padded butt at them. Silence reigns untill..
"Actually dude it does" and "Yeah what happend?" are the replies.
"I don't know..I'm bloated. Josh, How do you stay so thin??"
"Dunno" grunts Josh while stuffing another hand full of chips in to his mouth. He can eat whatever he wants and never gain a pound..I hate him.

What I Learn:
A* The laughter of others hurts
B* If you bake cookies and try to give them out to your mates, they'll assume they're laced with laxitaves.

The Bottom Line after close to a weeks reaearch..

People, I have gone to great legnths to go where no man has gone before. I've studied the behaviours of women, re-enacted them with painstaking accuracy, and now what I know about the female sex I shall share with all MANkind.

What I know is this. They Smell Nice, and they're Soft.

12:16 am: Camping
Madaz and His friend Gary are out camping one night in the Australian Outback,
having hours ago set their camp up and are fast asleep.

Gary wakes up and rouses Madaz from his slumber,
"Madaz, Look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Madaz Replies.
"Well mate, I see Millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" asks Gary.

Madaz Ponders for a short while, and replies.
"Astronomically it tells me that there are Millions of Galaxies, Billions of stars and planets,
and I begin to wonder if there isn't other Inteligent life out there...
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in the Sign of Taurus,
and if your a Libra your Lucky numbers are 4, 12, and 21...
Meteorologically, we are in for a clear and beautiful day tommorow with a light Easterly Breeze through till mid afternoon...
Time wise, I would have to guess that it's approximatley 3:15am..
What does it tell you Buddy?"

Gary is silent for a minute before replying,
"Madaz while your correct on all accounts, there is one Minor detail that you are over looking."

"What may that be?" Inquires Madaz.

"Madaz you STUPID BASTARD.. Some PRICK has Stolen our TENT!"

08:35 am: Chance of Atmosphere..
" A farmer was out in his furtherest paddock on the back of his farm late one night..

when suddenly a UFO came down and landed before him..

Terrified the farmer tried to run away..
but some invisible foprce paralyzed him and he was unable to move.

Without warning the Ufo opend and out stepped a single solitary Alien,

and lo and behold the Alien started to do a 'Stand up Comedy' Routene.

The farmer was dumbfounded, and yet he was laughing so hard he could barely keep his breath..

After the show was over and he was able to speak again the Farmer asked the alien..

"Why of all the Billions of possible planets out there did you choose Earth to do Stand Up Comedy?"
The alien not used this sort of reaction blinked twice and walked towards the Farmer..
"Well .. " Started the Aliens reply.. "You see I tried all the other planets.. but they're no good..

No Atmosphere!!"


Boo-Doom-Crash..